Insights from Melaka

Just came back from Malacca on a 3-day church camp. I set out the camp with just two objectives: rest, and being open to hear God. Yet I had a heavy heart, and started out the second day really poorly - practically guy's version of "PMS" day! I was not able to pay attention at the morning segment, but going outdoors for the amazing race was a good change. I really took it out on the swimming pool - until a kid puked into it!

On the second night, I quickly recognised from the message that I fitted the classic definition of being "burnt out"

- Physically exhausted - check
- Growing less sensitive/finding it hard to shower concern to others around me - check

The causes of the burnout are rather apparent. Looming work deadlines = stress; helping colleague rush his work last week = less sleep for 2 nights; family quarrel = more emotional outpouring to emphatize, trying to be a peacemaker; lack of sleep in the camp... I had "panda eyes" by Sunday evening.

But being burnt out is no licence to be insensitive or critical. I regret having passed hurtful remarks over Sunday lunch that I shouldn't have. Can't believe I was so insensitive! Yes, I apologised and was graciously forgiven. But why do I still make such mistakes? I'm disappointed that I am so imperfect, that I still fall so easily. So now I know if I get too tired, I could get into a poor mood. I must then watch myself, and choose the wiser thing to say or say nothing, or just retreat away lest I sin.

So I wondered - if I just minded my own business, loved less, cared less about my family, about helping my colleagues, I wouldn't be so tired, hurt or burnt out. But that would be like what a speaker once said. It is possible to do that. Carefully wrap my heart with many layers, protect it from all possible hurts. And eventually, I would have... a perfectly DEAD heart.

The other lesson I learnt was about discerning God's will. I likened our Christian lives to driving along a highway towards heaven, with God's love as our fuel. Our destination is secure, the general direction is firm, yet the specific lane to take is not often clear. There can be traffic jams, accidents that could happen. The only assurance is that whatever path we take, we will eventually reach heaven, if we stay on the expressway. Yet I so often spend much time and energy wondering what is the correct lane to drive in? Which is God's specific road for me?

Ever so often, the obstacles along the way make me wonder if I had chosen the wrong lane, departing from God's will. Then I pray hard and seek for the right lane again. Perhaps with the idea that if I chose the right path that God planned for me, everything will be smooth sailing, blessings overflowing.

But that perhaps is only romanticised. Someone asked me "What if God told you, Xianghui, this is the path I have for you. But it is full of obstacles, curves and danger. Will you take it?" Yes, that could happen! And my immediate answer was unequivocally "Is there a choice? Yes I will"

Two things I got from this camp
(i) Switch the highway around and also the journey itself. Maybe what matters isn't which lane I take, but how these lessons and incidents I encounter along the way mould my character. These things are important too!
(ii) Sometimes especially for the grey areas with nothing to do with right or wrong, there may not be one specific lane. SP made it quite clear - I will stand guided by my conscience and the peace that guards my heart after having prayed.

Thus is my prayer, Psalm 19:14, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord."