看了《敗犬女王》的感想

曾经有个朋友问我，无双最后会选择跟谁在一起呢？是卢卡斯还是元浩学长？

当时的我觉得卢卡斯的真情，在同学会上所说的话已足够感化无双。但是看完了第12 集，一瞬间发现到爱情是那么脆弱的。卢卡斯与无双那么多的经历，也为了她做了那么多，就在那么一瞬间，在她遇到旧男朋友人全都被遗忘了？ 而他们两个人的人生，真的就这样变成了平行线？

换一个角度里看，我能体会那宋学长的嫉妒，也了解他那句话“要跑多块才能填补我们六年的空白？”一个人从没希望到有希望，当然会用生命，用一切的去珍惜。

男人都想为爱情努力。但放弃往往却是最难做到得。

戏还没演完，我还有6集等着去看。现在的我，依然希望卢卡斯会坚强。就算是被摔了，也要勇敢地走你的人生。加油！

Being a man after God's own heart

I just finished reading the book of 1-2 Samuel, where the centrefold character is King David. I often wondered - David is described as a man after God's own heart. So what did he do that was deserving of such high accolade? David had his share of faults too - adultery; masterminding the death of Uriah; unjustified treatment to Mephibosheth who met him when he returned to Jerusalem; non-forgiveness on Shimei who cursed him...

Yet as I reflected upon his life in the two books, some points came across:

1. Faith
David went up against Goliath in his youth. Was it mere ignorance? Doesn't seem like it. He knew that even seasoned soldiers feared Goliath. Yet it was pure faith that gave him the confidence to say "You come to me with a sword, with a spear, with a javalin.. But I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel whom you have defied." (1 Sam 17:45) Wow... if only I have the same faith say that to the problems in my life and thereby overcome them too!

2. Recognition of God's presence in his life
In many psalms that David wrote during difficult times e.g. hiding from Saul's pursuit for his life, David started crying out to God in anguish for deliverance, for help... but yet he often ends in praise of God. Such is his recognition that God is able and mighty to save, that he has a big God in spite of his problems!

3. Seek God first
Before he went up against the enemy, many times David enquired of the Lord first (2 Sam 2:1; 5:17, etc). This reflected his moment by moment living in obedience to God's will and awareness of His presence, that he does not want to do things out of his own will or desires.

4. Wholehearted worship
In bringing back the ark of the covenant into the city, "David danced before the Lord with all his might" (2 Sam 6:14). Imagine the king looking like that, so undignified. How will his subjects think? Even his wife Michal dispised him as she saw him doing that! Yet David's response was single minded - it was done before the Lord. He is fully prepared to be even more undignified than this.

When he was punished by God for growing prideful and doing a census on the Israel army, he made a defining statement in his repentence - "nor will I offer burnt offerings to the Lord my God with that which costs me nothing." (2 Sam 24:24). Such was his heart of worship.

Yes, David had his failings. But it was his heart's attitude that set him apart, his coming back to God always. This to me, is sufficient revelation. May it be that I too would grow in maturity to be a man after God's own heart.

Thanksgiving

Praise God! Dad's health is mending. His appetite is gradually restored and we are hoping to wean him off painkillers within this couple of days.

Last Saturday evening, my dad was resting after a bout of vomiting. I sensed that he was still rather worried about why he is still feeling pain after Dr Yap has given the “all clear”. There was a strong leading in my heart to pray for him to grant him peace. But how? My vocabulary of Chinese prayer is so limited!

The time window was closing. He started walking to his room at 930pm, and I still hadn’t received anything pointers from the cell group yet. Still, I went ahead and asked dad if he would let me pray for him. To my surprise, he stopped and agreed, and even allowed me to lay my hand on him! I said a very simple prayer in faith： “慈爱的天父，谢谢你让我们从医生口中知道爸爸的身体没有设么大病。希望你能让爸爸的身体变好，明天起来肚子不会在痛了。这样祷告是奉主耶穌盛名请求，阿门”。

As I reflect upon this entire episode, I give thanks for His faithfulness to me. For the opportunity to bless my own family, to tell them that I love them, to pray for my father. It has also drawn my family closer together.

I give thanks also for friends who are willing to stand by me and my family in love. For my cell group who prayed faithfully alongside me; for friends who offered to visit my dad.

Yet through this period, there was only one bible verse that was ever sent to me for encouragement - Psalms 125:1-2: “Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever. As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the LORD surrounds his people both now and forevermore.”

And how timely. It came at mid-week when I was completely feeling drained, physically and emotionally. In my prayer requests I asked for prayers only for my dad, but not for myself. And there I was, ill and weary, hanging onto that last bit of faith. So thank you for the verse, for it affirmed me and refilled my hope in God in my time of need. I may not have replied then, but it was precious.

Farewell, Cambridge

It was my graduation yesterday. And I didn't go back to Cambridge.

I once imagined walking down the the Senate House, dressed in the black academic gown and receiving my degree. But that thought will like many others, remain forever a dream now. I miss dearly the faces and voices of my classmates, many of whom I'll probably never meet again. Thankfully there's facebook that I can use to keep in touch!

(Missing me from the picture of my Hughes Hall MBA classmates...)

Nonetheless, the fond memories of Cambridge 2007 will always be there. Having lunch at Queen's College with classmates; cooking dinner with Roland in Hughes Hall; punting by river Cam; sitting in the MBA room discussing GCP; having bible study at 66 King's Street with Chris, Humberto, Joshua, Chongyi, Yirong, Xinyi et al every Saturday evening...

Cambridge is a place where most people just pass through. Some like me form a figment of its history for just one short year; others perhaps three years as an undergrad or PhD student. Cambridge in 2010 will still be physically preserved, but the people have moved on. Hopefully for the better.

So farewell, Cambridge.

Not over yet? :(

When I finally got home yesterday, the first sight of dad was so heart wrenching - he had lost so much weight in the last 6 days! A mere shadow of his former self...

I brought him to a specialist, Dr Yap from Mt E who performed all kinds of tests - a scope on the stomach and large intestine, blood test, urine test and a CT scan of his small intestine.

And the grand diagnosis is... nothing. Yes, dad had a swollen intestine, but at least nothing that should result in such great pain. He then said, it is fine, just take the medicine (painkillers) and go rest. Should be stress related. Thank God for that. We had relief for half a day, had lunch together.

I was woken up today by mum who told me dad is in pain. No.....!!! I called Dr Yap who said, maybe its to do with micro-stones in the gall bladder, and suggested an ultrasound scan. Gee... I really hope he wasn't just playing "russian roulette" guessing with my dad's body organs!

So we obediently rushed went down to Mt E. Half a day later, the results showed a higher than normal count of white blood cells in the gall, but no stones, nothing that should cause such pain. Essentially, the specialist is erm... clueless :(

So the question remains, what is causing my dad such pain? (He's still vomitting this afternoon!) What more can be done?

Let go and let God...

In the past week, major blocks in my life came crashing down - all of which are beyond my control. I lost count of the number of times I asked God "Why did this happen?"; "What have I done wrong that displeased You?"; "Would You take this burden away from me?"

A friend commented today " I came to realise that you can be quite helpless and vulnerable unlike the Xianghui I use to know." How true. I am seriously worried about my father and hadn't had a good night's sleep since Saturday. So Panadol's been a good companion this week; but I've developed a cough as well.

Dad's stomach pain is still there; the X-ray results wasn't clear and a follow up appointment is needed, but it can only be arranged much later. He's developed an allergic reaction to the medication and has been vomitting and a rash outbreak. Worse, his former breathing difficulty came back as well. My heart pains when I heard updates from my mum and brothers. But apart from praying and tears, what else can I do?

As I prayed and reflected upon my circumstances, some realisations come to mind:

• I apply the principle to seek God for direction, then act on things. But perhaps I have been sitting in the "driver's seat" working on some issues for too long. Indeed for so many things, it matters not my best efforts or most sincere intentions. Maybe this is what God wants me to learn in this season, to turn the driver's seat back to Him. Let go and let God. I hear it loud and clear.
• How timely it was that I watched the video titled "Indescribable" last week. I still remember vividly that 5.188 billion miles = a light-year. But the key takeaway is just how big and majestic a God I have! Who am I that You care so deeply for me to die on the cross for my sins? You who are omnipotent are able to do all these things that I can't, if it is in accordance with Your will.
• I deeply love my family. Yes, even my dad, who's a hard and private man, a pre-believer but one who's responsible in all his ways. I thought about my family fondly during my days in Bonn, and evermore so now. So while I may not say this outwardly, I can say with all my heart, "I love you, dad".

"Abba Father, I fail in so many ways Your Holy standards. But thank You for the grace, for forgiveness of my sins as I acknowledge them. You alone know the trying circumstances in my life. Lead me in Your ways. Grant in me greater faith to see You bigger in my life. Help me to surrender my worries, concerns unto You, to let go and let You take over. I ask for Your healing hand upon my father that he will recover completely; preserve his life that he may know You. In Jesus' name, Amen."

God, will you take care of my dad?

Just last night I was planning for a mothers' day dinner tonight. Things turned out so different... Dad came back looking seriously pale, and went straight to lie down on the bed.

Then I was told by mum that he has been feeling pain in his stomach for past two days, and tonight it became intolerable. So it wasn't gastric pain or food poisoning etc. Something more fundamentally serious. Apparently even my elder brother didn't know about this!

My younger brother sent dad down to SGH's A&E, while I could only walk dad down to the car and wave goodbye. As I walked up, I teared. I felt so totally helpless and estranged, unable to contribute to my family. Dad's at A&E for treatment, and I had to go to the airport. Yes I'm thankful for my job, and its just a good job, but ultimately... its only a job. Must the two be dichotomous?

I plucked up courage to ask my elder brother if he still believed in God and would pray with me for dad, but he declined. So I prayed alone...

"O God will you hear my prayer this day, to deliver my father from danger; that no harm or illness will befall him; that he will receive careful diagnostics and prompt treatment at A&E and be healed. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Spoke with him on the phone before take off and told him that I am praying for him. But even right now I still don't know the full situation, but I hope and trust in faith that he will be fine.

Mighty to save
My Saviour, you can move the mountains,
You are mighty to save,
You are mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
Yes you conquered the grave

Really tired...

It wasn't late by any count - only 9pm, but my head felt heavy last night. So I left the prayer meeting early at 930pm and hopped on a bus home. And somewhere along Tampines Avenue 10, I fell asleep...

Why was I so tired? Late Wed night rushing project work = 5 hrs; Red-eye flight on Thurs = 4 hrs. Stressed about outstanding work = 0 hrs at home on Fri AM. Guess my body is too used to the luxury of having 7-8hrs of rest - daily!

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Ever tried to rearrange your wardrobe? I've got new clothes to put in, thinking of getting some more, but not sure about what to do with some old ones. So I keep everything for the time being, fold some of the old ones into a corner to create space...

In a limited way, this is an analogy for how I use my time too. Set the important priorities in place first, then the small ones will fill the rest. Such is God's principle established in Matt 6:33 to seek first His Kingdom and righteousness...

Learning contentment

I recall SY mentioned recently in cell group this verse from 1 Tim 6:6
"Holiness with contentment is great gain"

How true. Even in small aspects of my life. I read recently about Parc Luminere apartments and wondering silently "if only I can buy one". The price seemed within reach, and Aaron and Cynthia managed to get a unit too! But I was knocked back to reality on Saturday when I was reminded that it is still subject to HDB rules!! I don't qualify. So "HDB boy" at heart or not, they don't want me...

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Taxi Woes Redux

We called for a taxi back to hotel and once again, our taxi driver confused our client's location with another place.

The last time this happened to me alone, I waited for him to drive over to our location. To me, yes, it meant waiting another 30min, but he is only just trying to make an honest living, and is doing his best effort to make up for a mistake. Moreover, he lost opportunity time to carry other customers by coming for me, I should at least honor him.

However I guess not for my team mates. We ended up just hailing another cab off the road and got on, and she called the other driver to cancel the booking. Was injustice done? Perhaps. Is there a right or wrong?